Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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