my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
