im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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