I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize