My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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