life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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