the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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