she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
