you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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