My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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