Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
