That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
