I accidentally burped into my bong.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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