i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
