Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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