I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
