I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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