they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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