that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
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Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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