he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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