I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
