Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
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You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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