I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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