so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
