In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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