I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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