my mouth tastes like poor choices
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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