youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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