New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
