I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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