I'm so fucking centered right now
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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