I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
