ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
