if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
