So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
