that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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