WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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