I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
