if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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