nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
