He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
