Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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