id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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