I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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