did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
