The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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