Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
