As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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