everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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