Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
