Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Randomize