I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Every concussion has its silver lining
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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