how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
