I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
